Friday, October 31, 2014

Life goes on..

Her mobile beeped again. Notification said it was his message. She didn't feel like reading it. She was sitting in her room with lights off.. as if that would hide her from reality. She was staring out of the window beside her bed, her eyes were on the busy road that passed beside her apartment, they looked like tiny toy cars in race. She always loved watching the busy road, which used to remind her that, life goes on.. no matter what. But today her thoughts were lingering somewhere else, in her college days. As the vehicles moved fast on the road, her memories came rushing to her mind.

She remembered everything, crisp and clear. The day she met him first in the cafeteria. He was in final year of Engineering and she was in second year. She didn't want to recall the details, but she wondered how easily they became friends, close friends and then best friends. Before they could spend much time together, he finished his college and like everyone, he got job in an MNC and moved to Bangalore. Their friendship didn't end, in spite it grew stronger. 

He never let his work come between their relationship. There were hours of online chat, tons of SMS exchanged, hundreds of mails, countless songs dedicated to each other, laughs shared, virtual hugs and kisses. Days started with his "good morning" and ended with his "good night". They were crazy for each other. She always wrote him letters. He loved her letters but he never wrote one. He always said he couldn't express his feelings in words. She used to complain but she still wrote him. 

In one year of this long distance friendship, they were totally in love with each other. They made promises to each other. They were extremely possessive for each other which sometime lead to silly fights. But they were successful to keep the relationship alive. They were each other's strength and weakness at the same time. However, they never talked about future, sometime she used to get insecure like a normal girl, but she trusted him. She trusted him, even before she loved him. She knew he would propose her someday. 

She was in her final year. She was all excited to go to Bangalore with a good job in hand. It was more than a year she met him. She said to herself, just one more year and she would be with him.. probably forever.

He seemed not so happy with his current job. He said he will be changing his job soon. Like always, she consoled him that things would turn better. He used to talk about office politics and his utter need of changing job. Most of the time, she didn't understand details of corporate world but all she just wanted was him to be happy. She kept praying for him, for his happiness, for his new job...

As days passed, things changed between them. He used to be frustrated or tired most of the time. During weekends he used to be busy preparing for interviews or attending one. Slowly the "good morning"s and "goodnight"s stopped. He used to have reasons for everything. Initially she used to fight with him but most of the fights were one way. She used to keep hurling words of her anger towards him and all he did was just be quite. He used to talk back to her again the next day like nothing happened. Things went like this for few months.

Finally he got a new job. Both of them were happy. Six months of her final year had passed. In these six months, she had grew more insecure and desperate. She thought the long distance relationship wouldn't work. She had to be with him soon. She couldn't wait for another six months. She hoped things would work well between them with his new job.

She was wrong. He was changed. He said he had to prove himself in this new job. He worked day and night. Meanwhile he said he got new friend in his office. She burnt with jealousy with the mention of "new friend", that too a girl. She tried hard not to fight with him but ended up fighting worse. As always, it was only she who would shout on him. He used to be quite for days or just reply in one line, saying - "Shut up and leave me alone" or "You don't understand me" etc. Sometime she just wished he would tell her he didn't love her anymore, as if that would have made her easier to move on. 

Things got worse. She got more and more depressed every day. Days followed with his unanswered calls, non-replied mails, tears shed and nights without sleep. She felt pity for herself. She wanted to move on badly, but all she could was just crave for his love more and more. She spent time listening sad songs, reading old messages and mails by him. She kept asking him why he changed, was that the "new friend", was that his new job or he just got bored with her. All she wanted was his answers, which he never gave. Sometime he used to say, things have changed but i'll always love you. That would keep her breathing but not alive.

Time conspired. She could see his broken promises. They were lying there.. dead and stale. The stench of which would fill her with hatred, hatred for love, hatred for relationships. But holding grudge was not her nature.

Finally she completed her Engineering. She had stopped texting him and calling him. He never asked her why, as if he was waiting for her to stop. She used to know from others about him. Sometime her eyes filled with tears recalling the fact that she used to be the first person to know stuffs about him.  She managed to get good marks but she couldn't get through any of campus interviews. Her parents suggested her to go to Bangalore and fetch new job. But she hated that city. She didn't want to meet him. She said she would go to Hyderabad and get coaching for entrance exam for higher studies.

She did go for higher studies. She got new goal for her life. She was all positive and hopeful again. She got new friends, who loved her dearly. But she was always careful in choosing her friends. She always said to herself, never get desperate for anyone.

Time had taught her many things. True love doesn't make you desperate, if it does then it isn't true. Love is free, it makes you feel stronger and positive. Love doesn't change with time, people do. Sometime she tried analyzing what went wrong between them, she would recall the wonderful affection they had for each other. She thought, may be it was not true love, it was just a crazy obsession or he never loved her or people just change and they find other people to love. She couldn't arrive at any conclusion. 

It was few months back she got her job in Bangalore. She loved the city. She came to know that he was settled with his with his parents, with his own apartment, probably was getting married too. She hardly cared. Knowing that she was in the city, he tried contacting her. Finally he was successful in convincing her to meet him.

That day evening she had met him in a cafe. To her own surprise she didn't feel anything for him. She was just being formal. He spoke about his success in his job and how big his apartment is. She just listened. He said he was proud of her as she did Masters. He was acting like nothing happened between them, as if they are good friends now. They were about to leave and then he asked something, he asked if she brought any letters for him. She felt a rush of emotions at that moment, it was a mixture of disgust and despise. She stared at him for a second, she couldn't believe she loved this man. She just nodded and left the cafe.

Since the moment she came back home, she sat beside the window. She couldn't stop thinking how badly he had abandoned her. She remembered every bit of it, every unanswered question. Every little scar in her heart seemed to be hurting which she thought didn't exist anymore. She didn't cry. There was just a thin film of tear which blurred her vision for a minute.

She took her mobile, deleted his messages and thought - "He doesn't even deserve my hatred". She felt free, she could see the vehicles moving fast on the busy road. The night was alive and moon was smiling in the sky.