Pages

Friday, July 9, 2010

I am not a mom but ...

In few minutes the bus will reach that stop.the stop where he boards the bus daily. Today it's Saturday so he will be in white color uniform.as always,i am excited to see him.
He is in bus now.he's waving his hand to his mom.his house is near to that bus stop.i am feeling happy to see him.
it's been 8 months i am watching him.i don't know his name,in which class he studies and not even in which school.i never spoke to him.he may be 7 years old.the words like cute,innocent,charming are not enough for me to describe him.he's something more than that.i see God in him.he's sitting calmly,watching through the window and i am seeing him.

it's been years i have stopped weeping for not being a mom.long back i have decided not to curse my fate for not having kids.may be God felt that i don't deserve to be a mom.even he,my husband,is happy with this life.he says,"you are my kid.i don't need anyone else." i have told him about this kid.

he is going now.i have to wait for tomorrow to see him again.

memories are disturbing me.i still remember those days when i used to dream of being a mom,rather a best mom.we had dreamt of being good parents.but we never knew that God has planned something else for us.initially it was very difficult or to some extent unable to accept for me that i can't have a child.so many temples i visited,so many doctors i consulted but all in vain.as time passed i was fed up with people's suggestions and their sympathy.i stopped going to public ceremonies,marriages.i didn't want people to feel pity about me.sometimes i felt to shout at them,"Yes! i don't have children.so what?! why are you people bothered about me.if i am not a mom does that mean i am not a woman.why can't you guys let me live my life."
time is the best medicine.slowly i started to accept the truth.i stopped worrying about what people say.i decided,"yes,this is my life and i am gonna live it in a best way."i don't have child doesn't mean i should stop living,stop dreaming and stop saving money for future.i started to work,restored all my lost hobbies.i kept myself as busy as possible.we built our dream house,with a wonderful garden.we traveled many places.we have got a huge collection of books at home.now we are happy.
*   *   *

i don't know why,seeing that kid daily has become a habit for me.today he didn't come.i am feeling so upset.i am worrying what might have happened to him.is he not feeling well?did his school timing change?did he stop going by bus?or something else........

he's back today.he's holding a kerchief.oh! he had got cold.i hope he will be fine soon.i am praying God for him.
*  *  *

it's March now.he might be having exams.then in holidays he won't come.i don't know how i will spend those 2 or three months without seeing him.he seems to have become a part of my life.

today it's Saturday.i am waiting to see him in white.bus has reached the stop but he's not there.
oh! what's the huge crowd there,in front of his house?someone is dead.it's a small kid.all are crying loudly.they are taking some name.oh shit! i don't know his name.NO! this can't be possible.no...no...oh! God...his mom is sobbing near that body.....i am unable to see that body's face.....shall i get down?..if it's not he then? or if it's he himself then?....bus started moving....i am shivering,weeping....i am unable to move....
i wept whole night.i kept praying God that it should not be he.i want to see him tomorrow.

he didn't come.someone in bus is talking "nice kid he was.he died in an accident.he was the lonely kid of their parents....." i am shattered.it was he.i couldn't see him for the last time.....

oh! God why you did like this?........why God?why me?.........you didn't give me child,did i ever question you for that?did i?no.....but what have i done that you snatched this kid from me?what did his mother do?.........for what sin you are punishing me so hard?i was so happy seeing him daily.i didn't wish anything more than his well being...........can't you see me happy God?.............answer me God....answer me.....
*  *  *

it's May last week now.it may start raining next week.to some extent i have consoled myself.still i am trying to come out of his death.i wept for months together.i wept for someone who was not at all related to me,whose name i didn't know,whom i never talked to......i wept.....i wept........
*  *  *

it's June.all schools have reopened.wait...i saw him in bus.yes!! it's he,in the same uniform.i remember his bag....this can't be illusion.

i got up,went near him and hugged him,started to weep and asked him,"where were you?why did you leave me?"he replied,"i had gone to my granny's house aunty",he wiped my tears,"why are you crying aunty?" he asked.i told,"i thought you were....hmmm...nothing."i asked him,"is that your house?"he said,"no,that's my friend's house.my house is behind that.two months back my friend went near God.i miss him very much.mom says he will never come back." now i came to know that it was his friend who was dead.i introduced myself and told him that i travel daily in the same bus.he said,"i know that.i have seen you many times aunty."

i got him back.......

he's very talkative.now daily he will sit with me and sometimes on my lap.he will show his marks card,his drawing book....i had gone to his house,met his mom.his mom and i are good friends now.
i am happy.....Thank you God.
*  *  *

i am not a mom but he's my kid.......